photo diary

tokyo glimmer

i’d been neglecting my point and shoot after it’d stopped working. the roll was in the camera for a good half a year, until i finally checked the task off my list and took it to a shop in vienna. the film was jammed.

i developed the roll, which had broken into two pieces. what i got back were familiar sceneries glossed over in an unfamiliar hue.

over the past few months, the months the film has lived in my camera, it almost feels like i had grown to be a different person within the same body. i didn’t even know id be living in vienna in half a year. i had held value in different things than i do now, and my vision is skewed in a different way than it was.

maybe it was just how they developed it. maybe it was the film itself. but i no longer saw the same things i saw, and i no longer feel the same things i felt in summer. we see the same things but we get something different out of it. i don’t know how she saw these moments. i recognize them, but i don’t feel the way she felt anymore.

who i was feels like a distant friend.

the very reason i began shooting film was documentation. it derived from the fear of time passing.

someone had pointed out that i am obsessed with my past. everything that i saw, everything that i felt. i wanted a piece of those sensations in a tangible form to remember. i don’t allow it to slip away like it’s supposed to.

i thought that holding onto these fragments of time had allowed me to relive what i felt. maybe i’ve recognized this habit of mine that i’d lived with for a long time, and now it’s letting itself go before i can allow it to.

i’d felt relived coming here. i’d been comforted by the new atmosphere.

this bit of tokyo was a face i’d never seen before.

 
 
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JAN '19 thru my camera roll

i

turned off cellular data for instagram, deleted twitter off of my phone, carried around The Handmaid’s Tale everywhere.

despite the lack of sunlight, train rides are a lot less depressing than what im used to.

there is less order, compared to what i know. i

talked about my vivid dreams via text. i

realized ive developed some kind of trust issue.

a new language is inhabiting my brain, and i

realized that i was in the process of developing a new personality. i

didnt see a familiar face in the mirror, and liked her better. i

dug up my mind. im now coming to terms with what ive found. i

watched a lot of gilmore girls.

 
 
 
 
 
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