vienna

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im used to goodbyes at the airport; this time, im the one leaving my home.

im finally away from everything i have subconsciously consumed myself into.

as soon as i enter the gate, i feel chains on my feet. everything drains out on me all at once. i cant smile.

ive been trying so hard to make myself understand that this is going to become my reality.

ive been trying to make myself feel the pain i thought i had deserved to feel.

i feared it multiplying in intensity, only to haunt me later on. better to get it over with, right?

id been searching for the pain that didnt need to exist in the first place.

sitting in my new room, a strange space, i felt familiar thoughts rush into my brain, translating into ink on paper.

these thoughts are what i find true value in.

id been unable to access it through the thick smoke of inauthenticity and dishonesty i had unknowingly accumulated throughout my life in structure, control.

this was me realizing the fear i had of pain.

i stepped out of the airport.

the first air i breathed,

first thing i smelled,

were perfume and cigarettes.