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tokyo glimmer

i’d been neglecting my point and shoot after it’d stopped working. the roll was in the camera for a good half a year, until i finally checked the task off my list and took it to a shop in vienna. the film was jammed.

i developed the roll, which had broken into two pieces. what i got back were familiar sceneries glossed over in an unfamiliar hue.

over the past few months, the months the film has lived in my camera, it almost feels like i had grown to be a different person within the same body. i didn’t even know id be living in vienna in half a year. i had held value in different things than i do now, and my vision is skewed in a different way than it was.

maybe it was just how they developed it. maybe it was the film itself. but i no longer saw the same things i saw, and i no longer feel the same things i felt in summer. we see the same things but we get something different out of it. i don’t know how she saw these moments. i recognize them, but i don’t feel the way she felt anymore.

who i was feels like a distant friend.

the very reason i began shooting film was documentation. it derived from the fear of time passing.

someone had pointed out that i am obsessed with my past. everything that i saw, everything that i felt. i wanted a piece of those sensations in a tangible form to remember. i don’t allow it to slip away like it’s supposed to.

i thought that holding onto these fragments of time had allowed me to relive what i felt. maybe i’ve recognized this habit of mine that i’d lived with for a long time, and now it’s letting itself go before i can allow it to.

i’d felt relived coming here. i’d been comforted by the new atmosphere.

this bit of tokyo was a face i’d never seen before.

 
 
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JAN '19 thru my camera roll

i

turned off cellular data for instagram, deleted twitter off of my phone, carried around The Handmaid’s Tale everywhere.

despite the lack of sunlight, train rides are a lot less depressing than what im used to.

there is less order, compared to what i know. i

talked about my vivid dreams via text. i

realized ive developed some kind of trust issue.

a new language is inhabiting my brain, and i

realized that i was in the process of developing a new personality. i

didnt see a familiar face in the mirror, and liked her better. i

dug up my mind. im now coming to terms with what ive found. i

watched a lot of gilmore girls.

 
 
 
 
 
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DEC '18

moving, desperately attempting to recollect the shit i have so beautifully thrown everywhere in the last month !! been stomping in heels for the past 6 weeks now. filled a fourth of my notebook

PLAYLIST:

 
 
 
 
 
 
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<— 2018

vienna
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im used to goodbyes at the airport; this time, im the one leaving my home.

im finally away from everything i have subconsciously consumed myself into.

as soon as i enter the gate, i feel chains on my feet. everything drains out on me all at once. i cant smile.

ive been trying so hard to make myself understand that this is going to become my reality.

ive been trying to make myself feel the pain i thought i had deserved to feel.

i feared it multiplying in intensity, only to haunt me later on. better to get it over with, right?

id been searching for the pain that didnt need to exist in the first place.

sitting in my new room, a strange space, i felt familiar thoughts rush into my brain, translating into ink on paper.

these thoughts are what i find true value in.

id been unable to access it through the thick smoke of inauthenticity and dishonesty i had unknowingly accumulated throughout my life in structure, control.

this was me realizing the fear i had of pain.

i stepped out of the airport.

the first air i breathed,

first thing i smelled,

were perfume and cigarettes.